How To Use Attachment Theory to Create Safety and Open the Door to Healing
You Want to Feel Closer. He Just Wants to Avoid Feeling Attacked.
If you’ve brought up couples therapy and were met with silence, defensiveness, or a quick stonewalling, you’re not alone. So many women deeply long for connection—only to feel dismissed or shut out when they try to address what’s not working.
It’s painful. It’s lonely. And it often triggers a frustrating cycle: one partner reaches out, the other pulls away.
This isn’t about blame—it’s classic attachment dynamics in action. But there is a way through.
By understanding your own attachment needs—and his—you can approach the conversation in a way that invites safety, not defensiveness. A way that opens the door to repair, rather than deepening the divide.
Why He Might Be Resistant (It’s Not Just About Counseling)
According to therapist and author Julie Menanno (who wrote Secure Love), most people don’t resist therapy because they don’t care—they resist because they feel inadequate, judged, overwhelmed, or afraid.
Especially men who lean toward avoidant attachment—those taught that vulnerability equals weakness—can feel emotionally unsafe the moment the word counseling enters the room. It can bring up fear of being attacked, criticized and “not feeling enough.”
As Menanno puts it:
“People with avoidant attachment aren’t avoiding you—they’re avoiding the shame and fear of not being enough.”
If your partner is hesitant, it could be because…
He’s afraid of being blamed or ganged up on
He thinks therapy is only for “broken” couples
He lacks language for what he’s feeling
He grew up in a family where emotions weren’t safe
He’s afraid of getting flooded by feelings with no clear roadmap out
He’s afraid of it feeling just like your last few arguments
None of this means he doesn’t care. It means the path to connection needs to feel emotionally safe—for both of you.
Step 1: Calm Yourself Before You Initiate
Before you bring up therapy, pause.
Are you calm, grounded, and connected to your softer emotions? Or are you bringing an energy of urgency, frustration, or fear?
Ask yourself:
Am I trying to control—or connect?
Connection invites. Control demands.
The tone you bring sets the stage for how he’ll receive everything else.
Step 2: Speak From Vulnerability, Not Criticism
Avoid opening with complaints or blame. Instead, lead with your emotional truth—what you’re longing for.
Try something like:
“I love you, and I miss feeling close to you.”
“I feel alone when we can’t talk about what’s really going on.”
“I want us to be okay—and I think some outside support could really help.”
This isn’t manipulation. It’s connection. You’re not pointing a finger—you’re reaching out a hand.
Step 3: Invite, Don’t Demand
Skip the ultimatum. Instead, offer the possibility.
“Would you be open to meeting with someone together? I think it could help us reconnect.”
“I’m not trying to fix you—I want us both to feel seen and understood.”
“Would you be willing to try just one session and see how it feels?”
“This relationship is worth working on. I really want to learn how to show up more effectively with you so we can feel more connected more of the time.”
Sometimes, reframing it as relationship coaching or learning to be a stronger team is more approachable than the word therapy.
Sample Scripts for Different Scenarios
If He’s Resistant to Counseling in General:
“I totally get why therapy might feel intimidating. I know you don’t want to feel ganged up on or walk away feeling worse. At the same time, what we’re doing right now doesn’t feel good either—I feel alone and shut out, and that’s hard.”
If He Fears Getting Triggered:
“I understand that therapy can feel like stirring up emotions you’d rather leave buried. But truthfully, I already feel stirred up. I’m hurting, I feel disconnected, and I don’t want to keep living like this. Not getting help feels risky too.”
If He’s Concerned About the Cost Of Counseling:
“You’re right—it’s a big commitment of time and money, and I know you’re trying to protect us from financial stress. I appreciate that part of you so much. But right now, I don’t feel emotionally safe. I’m scared about where we’re headed. I think this is something worth investing in—We are worth it.”
If You Cannot Stay In The Relationship Without Counseling:
“I’m not okay with the way things are. I want to get help. And if you’re not willing, I’m not sure I can keep doing this. It’s too painful to feel this far apart. I want a relationship that feels safe, supportive, and connected—for both of us.”
If he still resists, stay curious. Ask:
“What worries you most about it?”
And then listen—really listen. The goal isn’t to win—it’s to understand.
Step 4: Normalize Therapy—Especially for Men
Many men still receive the message that needing help is weakness. You can gently challenge that belief.
Try:
“Therapy is like the gym—but for our relationship.”
“The strongest couples I know are the ones who learn new tools to show up more effectively in relationship.”
“Most couples wait six years before getting help. I don’t want us to wait that long.”
Step 5: Start Small
If a long-term commitment feels overwhelming, invite him to try one session:
“Would you be willing to come just once to see what you think?”
Sometimes “just one session” feels manageable. And once the safety is felt, resistance often softens.
Final Thought: This Isn’t About Forcing Him. It’s About Reaching Him.
Attachment theory teaches us that under every angry outburst, every cold withdrawal, every shutdown—there’s a protest. A cry for safety.
When you lead with vulnerability instead of criticism, you increase the chances of real connection.
When you speak to his fear instead of his defensiveness, you invite him closer.
And when you both feel supported—not blamed—the relationship begins to shift.
Ready to Learn How To Show Up More Effectively?
If you’re tired of fighting, walking on eggshells, or feeling painfully disconnected, couples counseling may be the bridge back to each other.
We offer a unique, co-facilitated approach:
🧠 Dr. John Schinnerer works with the man individually.
💛 Joree Rose, LMFT works with the woman individually.
🫶 Then we all come together for the couples sessions.
This way, both partners feel seen, heard, and supported. No one feels ganged up on. Everyone has someone in their corner.
And here’s the magic: sometimes the most healing moments come from hearing a male therapist validate a woman’s father wounds—or a female therapist help a man make sense of his mother wounds. These patterns often run deep, starting in childhood and showing up in your current relationship in ways you don’t even realize.
That’s why our approach combines individual and relational work, creating space for deep, lasting healing—not just temporary fixes.
Don’t wait for the breakdown. Start building the breakthrough.
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📧 John AT GuideToSelf.com
📧 Joree AT Comcast.net
Because love is essential—but love plus secure connection? That’s unstoppable.
