A Love Letter from an Avoidantly Attached Man: Breaking Through the Barriers of Insecure Attachment

A Love Letter from an Avoidantly Attached Man: Breaking Through the Barriers of Insecure Attachment
By Dr. John Schinnerer | LoveIsntEnough.net

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My Dearest Love,

There are things I should have said long ago—words that remained unspoken, buried in the quiet space between us. In those silences, I know my emotional distance led you to question your worth. And I know your longing for closeness sometimes led me to shut down, stonewall and eventually, shame.

Let me begin here, clearly and honestly: I love you. I care for you deeply. I always have. And yet, I know it hasn’t always felt that way to you.

I’ve seen the confusion and hurt in your eyes—the pain of not knowing where you stand with me, the craving for closeness I’ve too often met with silence, withdrawal, or detachment. Please believe me when I say: it was never about you.

The truth is, emotional intimacy has always felt complicated for me. Not because I don’t want it, but because somewhere in my past, I learned to associate closeness with danger—with being engulfed, feeling shame, or feeling not enough. Vulnerability simply didn’t feel safe. When you reached for me with love, sometimes it felt like I was being pulled into something I might lose myself in. And so, I pulled away—not to hurt you, but to protect myself in the only way I knew how.

This is what avoidant attachment can look like in relationships: a deep desire for connection clashing with an equally deep fear of losing independence, of being seen too closely. Over time, I built walls I didn’t know how to take down. I became self-reliant to the point that even real love felt like a threat.

When emotions run high—when you ask for reassurance or need deeper connection—my go-to response is to retreat, to numb, to try and solve everything alone. I spiral into shame: “I’m not good at this. I’ll just disappoint her. She’d be better off without me.” I know this makes you feel abandoned. And I hate that. I hate that the very strategies I use to survive end up wounding the person I love most.

I see our pattern more clearly now: you reach out, afraid of being abandoned. I pull away, afraid of being overwhelmed. You ask for more; I freeze or panic. You get louder to be heard; I shut down to control my anger. We both end up hurt, unseen, and disconnected.

But what matters most is this: I don’t want to keep living inside this old story.

I want to change.

I want to learn how to stay present when things feel hard. I want to learn how to need you without apology—and how to let you need me without feeling like I’m drowning. I want to sit with discomfort without fleeing, and tell you “I’m struggling” instead of pretending I’m fine. I want to be able to reassure you in a way that doesn’t cost me my sense of self.

I want to feel enough—even in moments of disconnection or uncertainty.

Writing this isn’t easy. Vulnerability is not my first language. I didn’t grow up with the emotional safety to express myself fully. And when I did, I was often dismissed, criticized, or mocked. But this relationship matters more than my fears. You matter more than my fears. I am willing to learn—to speak authentically, vulnerably, and imperfectly.

Thank you for loving me through my walls. I’m learning to add windows to those walls so you can see into my internal landscape. Thank you for your patience, even when it hurt. Thank you for holding space for the parts of me I’m still learning to hold myself.

I can’t promise perfection. But I can promise presence. I can promise effort. I can promise growth. I can promise that I will keep showing up—not just when it’s easy, but also when it’s terrifying. Because you are worth it. We are worth it. This love is worth it.

And most of all, I long for a relationship built on secure attachment—a relationship where both of us feel safe, seen, valued, and loved.

With my deepest love,
John

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A Note from Dr. John Schinnerer:

This letter WAS my inner world during the first 8 years of our relationship. I lived in an avoidantly attached shell, and my partner, Joree, leaned anxious. Together, we repeated painful patterns rooted in our insecure attachment styles—until a painful but brief breakup forced us to change. We resolved to do the deep work to heal ourselves.

Through consistent effort, emotional skill-building, improved communication, therapy, and a growth mindset, we both evolved from insecure to secure attachment. That shift has led to the trusting, emotionally safe, and deeply connected relationship we have today.

If you resonate with this journey—if you want to evolve from anxious or avoidant patterns into the securely attached relationship you deserve—there are at least three ways we can help:

💬 Listen to the

Love Isn’t Enough Podcast

for powerful conversations on healing attachment wounds, emotional intelligence, and relationship transformation.

📩 Work with us directly—Email us at

joree@joreerose.com

to learn about coaching and couples support.

🌐 Visit our couples counseling site

LoveIsntEnough.net

to explore therapy, courses, and tools for building the secure, connected partnership you deserve.

You are not broken. Your attachment style is not a life sentence. Change is possible. We can show you how!