By Joree Rose, LMFT & Dr. John Schinnerer
Have you ever found yourself constantly putting everyone else’s needs ahead of your own? Saying yes when you want to say no? Avoiding conflict to keep the peace—even if that peace comes at your own expense?
If so, you’re not alone. People pleasing is one of the most common patterns I see, especially in women who’ve spent their lives being the caretakers, the peacekeepers, the helpers. And while it might seem kind or selfless on the outside, over time, this pattern can quietly chip away at your well-being.
It shows up as burnout. Resentment. Exhaustion. Illness. A deep disconnection from your own needs.
I can’t tell you how many women I’ve sat with—brilliant, loving, capable women in their 40s and 50s—who feel completely lost. They’ve been everything to everyone else, and they wake up one day realizing: I don’t know who I am anymore.
This is what happens when people pleasing becomes a lifestyle.
So how do we break free?
John and I have identified six core patterns that keep people pleasing in place:
1. Struggles with boundaries
2. Excessive guilt
3. Fear of conflict
4. Fear of loneliness
5. Resentment
6. Disconnection from your own needs
In this post, we’ll explore the first two. Parts 2 and 3 will walk you through the rest.
1. Boundaries: Where You End and Others Begin
Let’s start with boundaries—because without them, everything else falls apart.
So many of us never learned how to set healthy limits. We were praised for being “nice,” for going along, for not rocking the boat. Somewhere along the way, we got the message that being a “good person” meant being endlessly available.
But the truth is: You can’t honor others without also honoring yourself.
Boundaries aren’t walls to keep people out. They’re bridges to healthier, more honest connection. As Prentis Hemphill beautifully says, “Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.”
When we don’t set boundaries, we self-abandon. We override our own needs to avoid discomfort or conflict. Over time, this creates emotional exhaustion, resentment, and a quiet erosion of our self-worth.
✨ Quick practice: Pay attention to where you feel irritation, resentment, or tightness in your body. Those are signs a boundary may be needed. Your emotions are data—not something to dismiss, but something to honor.
2. Guilt: The Emotional Glue That Keeps You Stuck
Here’s the thing about guilt: for many people pleasers, it shows up even when you haven’t done anything wrong.
You say no, and guilt floods in.
You ask for what you need, and guilt whispers, “You’re being selfish.”
You rest, and guilt says, “You should be doing more.”
Sound familiar?
Guilt becomes the emotional hook that keeps you stuck in the people pleasing loop. And because it’s such a deeply conditioned response, we often don’t question it—we just obey it.
But here’s what I want you to know:
Feeling guilty doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong.
In fact, most of the time, that guilt is just your old programming flaring up. A sign that you’re breaking out of a pattern that once kept you safe—but no longer serves you.
Try this reframe: When guilt shows up, ask yourself:
– Did I do anything hurtful?
– Was I honest and kind in my delivery?
– Did I act with integrity?
If the answer is yes, then the guilt isn’t a sign to backtrack—it’s a sign you’re growing.
And remember:
You can love someone and still say no.
You can care deeply and still choose yourself.
—
This Isn’t About Becoming Selfish. It’s About Becoming Whole.
Healing your people pleasing pattern doesn’t mean you stop being kind, caring, or generous. It just means you bring yourself back into the equation.
It’s not either/or. It’s both/and.
You can hold others with compassion and hold yourself with the same care.
In the next part of this series, we’ll talk about:
* The fear of conflict that keeps you silent
* The loneliness you may fear if you stop pleasing
* The resentment that builds when your needs go unmet
And finally, how to reconnect with the most important relationship of all: the one you have with yourself.
You deserve to live a life that includes you.
You don’t have to earn your worth by disappearing.
—
Want to go deeper? Here’s where to find more:
👩💻 For Joree’s programs and 1:1 coaching for women ready to ditch burnout and rediscover joy:
👉 JoreeRose.com
🧠 For John’s work helping high performers stop silently imploding:
👉 GuideToSelf.com
💔 For our transformative couples work (because love isn’t enough—but skills are):
👉 LoveIsntEnough.net
🎧 For deeper insights and raw, real conversations:
👉 TheEvolvedCaveman.com
